#sid keeps coming up to the front porch steps and staring at the babies through the screen like ���

[emilywritezsnafu]

Only Love is All Maroon

Chapter 1: Nothing’s More  - read below or on ao3

Snafu stays on the train and follows Eugene home to Alabama, as he requests

Tags: Merriell “Snafu” Shelton/Eugene Sledge, Post-War, Period-Typical Racism, Mental Health Issues, Homesick Snafu, Heavy Angst, Unhealthy Relationships

Warnings: Very slight implied domestic abuse and period-typical rasicm. This will be explored more in chapter 2.

Listening To: Flume by Bon Iver

Maybe, it was Eugene's warmth that made him stay.

Merriell had forgotten his Mother's tender touch during his time in the Pacific. Had no idea what the taste of home cooked gumbo felt like on his tongue, as his palette grew too rough and dry from eating the canned shit the Marine Corps supplied. Merriell couldn't find that glowing feeling in the centre of his chest when he thought of Louise's sweet face anymore; couldn't even tell anyone what his baby sister's eyes looked like. He tried to keep all of that as far away from the war as he could- that dark, fucked, unforgiving war, no place for such divine pieces of his soul. Yet in the process, Merriell pushed the memories away too far. So far away, that he watched the sweet memories he once found solitude in as they danced into the grey skies of Peleliu, to evaporate into fog, mixed in with the harsh rain of bullets that replaced what had once engulfed Merriell, what had made him Merriell- that sugary boy from the bayou with a smile that could light any dark place- was kicked out by bloodied Jap teeth and ripped flesh. He was no longer Merriell. He was only Snafu.

So when he felt that small comforting warmth from Eugene's hand, as it pressed reassuringly in his side at night, Snafu felt safe. He'd forgotten, or perhaps lost, that amazing feeling of hope and light and sunshine on a rainy afternoon and breathing easy after a long cold and his Maman's cooking so-

So he chased it. Snafu chased that feeling like a dog chased his tail, like the earth chased the sun. He followed Eugene because he was desprate for that feeling of love that he left behind in that savage fight for life and fresh lungs. Merriell looked at Eugene and saw these beautiful things and wanted, and wanted, and wanted and after so long of not having- of living only in fear and cold, wet days on the islands of the Pacific Ocean- he craved the golden touch of Eugene's hands holding him and those lips against his own. Sledge was soft eyes and bright lights, and although he had hardened so much during that war, Eugene had showed Merriell that he could still breath down there. Without saying a single word, he had melted Merriell back to himself, had kept him sane.

That's why when Eugene asked him to 'please, come to Mobile with me', he could not resist. He watched as they skipped his home, the big easy, and thought of his sister and Maman, warm in their shack by the river side. And he thought he missed them, because he did. And then he thought that maybe that was what he was really missing, and maybe he should go back-

But then he felt that hand press against his side. And he closed his eyes, and reassured himself i'd be okay. He had Eugene by his side, after all.

When they arrived in Mobile, it was hot. The sun beat down on their necks as Eugene and Snafu jumped down from the train's steps onto the burning platform below. Merriell flowed through the crowd of people surrounding the area as he followed Sledge. He tried not to pay mind to the judging stares of the civilians of Alabama. It was minutes before they'd finally managed to pop out of the large crowd, landing in front of a small car and a smiling Sid Phillips, all blond curls and bright skin.

After a quick reunion and a few tears shed, Snafu began to feel awkward standing there in the background. Wealthy eyes bored into the back of his curls like a shovel in damp sand as he curled his exposed, sunkissed arms into his chest. A glimpse of his Mother's tuckered-out smile flashed in his mind as Eugene reached to grasp at the edge of his elbow. His breathing slowed. Sidney gave him a tight-lipped smile. You don't belong here, you don't belong here, you don't belong here-

The drive to Eugene's home was only 5 minutes but seemed to draw out like sweet molasses. Merriell began to think up of a nice nickname for Sidney- maybe Sid Liver-lips. "Where you from?" "How long'd you serve?" "Why'd you come?" Snafu hears, but does not speak. His eyes fixated on the rusted red hair that sat upon Eugene's head. He remembered a time when his hair was a soft orange, the colours of everything and nothing all at once. The straight, sweet locks stood out in the Pacific, had contrasted with that shit green and brown that seemed to had engulfed and overpowered Merriell's sight for so long. He remembered thinking that it was such serene relief to see real colour once again, so tired of that grey and darkness Snafu had grown to expect.

Now, the colour had since blended in. Not the same as it was, still bright, but not enough. He'd thought things would be different when he came back home, yet instead he was trapped in that shaded fog, searching for that vivid rouge that lit a spark in his soul. Eugene's hair had turned more mature, Merriell reasoned, much like Eugene's soul had too. Much like most things did after seeing what they had seen.

It took Merriell several seconds to realise the car had grown quiet. Sid was peering at him with questioning eyes through the mirror while Sledge twisted around to show full concern. Snaf's voice caught upon barbed wire.

"Sorry." He mumbled. He thinks he hears his own voice reply, and he thinks Sid answers, but all he knows is the enquiring look Eugene was giving him. His eyes looked blanker then they used to.

Merriell looked away.

When they arrived Merriell was taken into a world he'd never seen before. Sidney pulled the car into a long winding driveway that lead up to the big white mansion Eugene had grown up in. The yard surrounding is bright green and pristine. There's two large pots of flowers on either side of the porch, and big collums that seemed to be holding up the front side of the house. Snafu thought back to his childhood home, with it's slanted rooftop, crooked flowerboxes and a garden shed infested with mold. Mére had tryed to make it as much a home as possible. She was never satisfied with it. Merriell ached for it.

Hesitantly, he followed Eugene out of the car and onto the deck, raised a hand to Sid as he drove off with a promise to be back.

The rest of the evening was a blur to Merriell. The Sledge's house was beautiful, yet quite, and their only seemed to be Gene's parents living in the home. They seemed nice enough, although Snafu couldn't help but notice the closed off smile Mary had given him after she'd given him a long once over. Her eyes stayed trained on his bare forearms, darkened from the glowing sun of the Pacific. With a jolt, Merriell realised, he had almost become as dark as his Mother. He tucked his arms into his chest.

After a long family reunion and an even longer set of questions thrown down Snafu's ears, Eugene had told his parents they'd be skipping out on dinner. They just needed a rest.

In Eugene's bedroom, located up two sets of stairs and down a long hallway, they kissed.

Eugene dragged him to the double bed located against the far right wall of his large bedroom. They kissed like they where drowning people taking their first breaths. Merriell let Eugene take, take, take; felt him search his mouth with his tongue, felt teeth clank against eachother and drag his lip out. It was ecstasy. A warm hand curled around the back of his neck, tugged the sweet curls that were plastered their from sleep. A raspberry moan crawled out of his throat without warning, traveled up past Merriell's lips into Eugene's mouth and landed into the pit of his stomach, planted tenderness that grew and overtook him in mere seconds. Merriell felt him shiver and pull away, felt his warm hands move to cup his cheeks, thumb under his eyes, brush his dark lowerlashes. He pressed his eyes shut and rested his forehead up against Eugene's.

They stood their swaying, breathing in eachother, forehead's pressed together. Snafu rested his forearms on Eugene's strong shoulders, let them lazily hang and clank against eachother behind his love's freckled neck. He opened his eyes and looked into Eugene's, found those warm brown orbs already looking at him with such strength that almost made him pull away.

Instead, Merriell sighed, hugging his arms tightly around Gene and resting a cheek against the side of his neck, rubbing his nose along the constallation of freckles that crawled up Eugene's throat like the night sky. "I love you."

Those long arms wrapped around Merriell's waist, criss-crossed, and pulled him impossibly closer to Eugene's body. A hand wrapped around his thin waist. "I love you too, Snafu."

And in that moment, it was enough.

The next morning Merriell wakes up to the feeling of thin hands travelling the sides of his body, his ribs, the short expance of his brown back. Merriell smiles and blinks his eyes open to see Eugene face to face with him, orange head propped up by his pale wrist. A wide smile tugs at those lips, and oh, how Merriell yearns for them. He settles for a small smile back.

They eventually make it downstairs where Eugene told him breakfast would be waiting. Snafu follows him into the kitchen, eyes located only on the back of Eugene's rusted hair, eyes straining to find that bright colour. He's thrown out of that trance when Eugene takes a seat at the table located aross from the kitchen counter, and is about to sit down himself when he looks to the kitchen and does not see Eugene's mother cooking away, or his father.

Instead, two women dressed in long maid's uniforms are assembling what Merriell persumes to be the Sledge's plates, his plate. Their complexion's are dark, bodies thin and overworked. One of the girls, who can't be more than 20, has such strain on her face. Her freckled forearms and neck almost match the colour of Merriell's own, and he blinks. He thinks of his Mother, her calloused hands shuffling through the few bills she'd collected for their months bills. He thinks of her forced smile, that lying grin spoiled by her tired grey eyes, bloodshot. He remember's the bruise she'd once came home with on her cheek, that reassuring look she tryed to give him as she scrubbed at the stains on her uniform.

He blinks, and without thinking, travels to the kitchen. He takes a plate from the other women's unexpecting hands. Her skin is much darker than Snafu's. "I've got it, thanks," he drawls. Her eyes are green and questioning.

"It's not a problem, sir-"

"Please," he says.

After recieving a nod, he grabs his plate and starts to pile on the food that was waiting on the sun-lit kitchen counter. He tries to ignore the feeling of Eugene's eyes on his face, but more importantly, tries to ignore that voice in his head saying, screaming; you don't belong here, you don't belong here, you need to leave. His fingers shake.

[izzy-b-hands]

Happy At Home-Part Five

Hey all, this one is a bit shorter since I gotta get my ass into bed. Thanks to all who read/like/reblog, and hope you guys are enjoying this as I slowly get each part written out and posted!

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Eugene could hear himself talking, yet couldn’t register that it was his own voice. “I knew it. I knew it, goddamn it, I knew it-” 

Snafu’s hand was tight on his. “You’re okay. We’re gonna be fine.” 

Sid had directed them to a side of the driveway to park as his parents had continued to watch them, and now stood leaned in through the cranked down window, rubbing Eugene’s back. “Snafu is right. You’re gonna be okay. Look, you don’t even have to come in or get near them. I’ll run and get the key, and bring it right to you here, okay?” 

“Thank you, Sid,” Snafu said as he wrapped Eugene in his arms. “You’re shakin.’ Come back to me, darlin’.” 

But he couldn’t, as tightly focused as he was on watching his parents as they stared from the porch. He couldn’t see their eyes close, of course, but still he searched for something-worry, concern, wonder, anything. But it seemed like there was nothing there, and it broke him. 

They watched as Sid came back out from the house, only to be stopped by Eugene’s father. They started to argue, and Eugene could just make out Sid’s defense of him, of them, as he stormed back towards the car. 

“Jesus,” Sid grumbled. “Here you are. I’m so sorry, I can’t say that enough.” 

“It isn’t your fault, Sid. They played us all to get a confrontation, but we aren’t gonna let ‘em have it,” Snafu replied, moving one arm just enough to take the house key from Sid, the other still holding tightly onto Eugene. 

“Damn right they aren’t. I told them not to follow you either-said if they did, then I’d help you both leave to go wherever you want, and I wouldn’t tell them where you were going. Wouldn’t make any calls on their behalf to you or get any letters to you either,” Sid said, his voice caught in his throat, and Eugene turned enough to look at him and see the tears in his eyes. 

“I hate to do this to you, but can you tell them somethin’?” Eugene asked as he slowly moved from Snafu’s embrace and sat up, wiping tears from his face.

“Sure,” Sid replied, and reached in to hold Eugene’s hand. 

“I’m willing to entertain them for one night, for dinner. As for where things go from there-” he took a deep, shaky breath. “We’ll see. It’ll depend on how they act that night. I want them polite, treatin’ us like the nice new couple that moved in next door. Tell ‘em, if they can’t do that, then don’t bother. That we appreciate this-the house and all-but we sure as hell don’t appreciate the manipulation that came with it. And if that means they want us to leave the house, then we will.” 

Snafu nodded. “What night you want them to come over?” 

“Next week? Give us time to settle in decently, make sure the house is clean, get some groceries?” Eugene replied. 

“Well, I made sure the pantry is full as of yesterday,” Sid said, and they both stared. 

“What? Look, I don’t know what to do for a proper housewarming, but you always need food.” 

“Thank you. For all of this-you shouldn’t have had to even be involved,” Eugene sighed. 

“You two just get home safe. I’ll tell ‘em, and give you a call to let you know what they say to it. You both head on out, go home and get some rest,” Sid gave his hand a final squeeze, then turned and walked back toward the house. 

Snafu handed him the key before starting the car and turning them round to get back on the road, and he found himself stuck staring at it. 

It was as familiar as ever, but felt heavy in his hand. There was so much in question resting on the key-would they even get to keep the house? Or would they be gone by the end of next week, on to find somewhere new, stuck in the car again for who knew how many more hours? 

“Just keep on straight?” Snafu’s voice broke his reverie. “Right here, or...” 

“Keep on straight. We’ve got a ways to go yet on this road. It’s further out than this,” Eugene said, again hearing himself speak, knowing the flat and numb voice was his, but not really registering it as himself. 

He let himself lean against Snafu as they kept on, the sunlight filtering through the trees near the road feeling like an intruder. How could it dare to be so bright when it felt like everything had come crashing down on top of them?

“Holy shit, is this it?” Snafu murmured. 

Eugene looked up, and nodded. “No twists or turns, just a long ass road to drive down that feels like it goes on forever. This is us.” 

“Look, I knew you and your folks were in good shape, but...fuck,” Snafu breathed. “This is-wow.” 

He pulled up close to the house, carefully steering on the circular gravel driveway. “You wanna go in first, then we’ll bring in the babies?” 

Eugene nodded, and looked back to the cats. They’d had a few breaks for their box over the last leg, but he knew they were really just antsy to be out of their carriers. It had been a long trip, for all of them. 

He went to the front door, the key grasped in his sweating hand. 

“Hey, go ahead, unlock and open it, but don’t go in,” Snafu said as he came up behind him. 

“Why?” Eugene asked. “You just wanna stay out on the step all night?” 

“Just do it. Humor me-I got an idea to cheer you up,” Snafu smiled. 

Eugene shook his head, but did as instructed. As the door swung open, he turned to Snafu. “Okay. Now what?” 

Before he could do anything else, Snafu had moved and picked him up in a bridal carry. “Takin’ my beloved over the threshold, that’s what.” 

“Please don’t drop me,” Eugene laughed, trying not to hold too tightly onto Snafu. 

“I will not drop you. Could have carried your ass all the way across Peleliu if I’d had to, you know,” Snafu replied as he carefully walked them through the doorway. 

“Is that so? Even when I was new, scared out of my wits and damn near useless?” 

“You were never useless,” Snafu replied as he let him down. “And we were all scared.” 

“You never seemed scared,” Eugene said. “I know you were, but-” 

“I sure as hell was. Bet you thought I wasn’t scared back there either.” 

“You mean with my parents?” Eugene asked softly. 

He nodded. “Well, I was. Half terrified they were gonna come rip you out of the car or somethin’. I know they couldn’t, but-” 

He seemed to lose his words, and instead wrapped his arms around Eugene. 

They stood for a good minute, the door still hanging open, but all the world stopped for their hurting hearts and their arms holding them both up. 

Finally, Eugene found it within himself to move again. “Better go get the kids and our stuff. Even if we’re only here for a week, damn it we’re gonna be comfortable.” 

“There’s my man,” Snafu sniffled, wiping tears from his eyes. 

Releasing the cats into their new home went about as he’d envisioned it would. They darted out of their carriers in three different directions, their claws skittering on the wood floors. He winced for a moment, then shook it off. Why the hell should he feel bad for his mother’s feelings about the floor? She knew the cats were coming. If it had been an issue, then she should have told Sid to let them know. 

Thinking about Sid seemed to conjure him, and the phone rang as they finished loading in the last of their things, the boxes dropped in whichever room the contents were meant to go in. 

“Hey,” Eugene answered it as he watched Snafu. He was on the floor with Little Sid, who was bouncing around the boxes near the front hall and having the time of his life. 

“How goes unpacking?” Sid asked. 

“It doesn’t. I mean, we have our boxes inside, but-I don’t know. Don’t feel safe enough to really unpack yet. Cats are happy to be out and running though,” Eugene replied, biting back a laugh as Snafu dropped from his knees to a side, playing at dead as Little Sid gently batted a paw at him. 

“Well, that’s good to hear. Say, your parents wondered if Wednesday would work.” 

“Okay. We can make Wednesday work out. Are they...I mean, I know you told them everything...” Eugene started, but trailed off, exhausted at the prospect of another emotional conversation. He was ready for bed. 

“We had a real long conversation about it all. I’ve never felt so adult as I did, basically gave ‘em a tongue-lashing, just like they used to do to us. But they finally listened, or at least it seems like they did. Tried to get across how all this makes you and Snaf feel, how frustrating it is. I think they’re starting to understand, or they’re trying to at least. I know that isn’t the best answer-” Sid said.

“A hell of a lot better than what I was anticipating,” Eugene sighed. “I know things aren’t ever going to be like I’m hoping, or like they’re hoping. I just want to find something in the middle that works for all of us.” 

“That’s all I want for you, honestly. You deserve it, the two of you. Do you...I mean, I can be there, on Wednesday. If you both want me there,” Sid said. 

“I can’t do that to you,” Eugene replied. He wasn’t sure if it would help or hurt anyway. Part of him wanted Sid there, but another part felt terrible pulling him back into the issues with his parents. 

“Tell you what-consider me on call. If you call Wednesday night and tell me to come over, I come over. If you don’t call, then I stay put and wait for you to call me Thursday and tell me how it went,” Sid said.

“Okay. And thank you, again. I’m never gonna be able to thank you enough, you know that?” 

“You two come over and see me every now and again, and we’ll call it even,” Sid laughed. “Have a good night, and call me if you need anything.” 

“Will do,” Eugene replied, and set the handset down. “Wednesday.” 

Snafu stood up and walked over. “Sounds good. Gives us time to figure out a menu, plan everything out. Find the good dishes, all of that.” 

Eugene nodded, and leaned against the wall near the phone. 

“C’mon. We’ve got as much done as we can for now. Let’s get some sleep. I wasn’t sure which bedroom you’d want us usin’-” 

“Actually, I wondered if we could stay down here. For the cats’ sake, since this is all still new to them,” Eugene interrupted. Really, he just couldn’t bear to go into his old room or any of the other bedrooms right then, even the guest bedroom. 

He knew Snafu knew that, just from the look he gave him. “Of course. We can set up some pillows and blankets on the floor, sort of like camping out. But a hell of a lot more comfortable. Figurin’ out and settin’ up the bedroom can wait for a night.” 

He let Snafu take over the set up of their temporary camp, watching from the couch in the sitting room as he moved bits of furniture and laid out all the blankets and pillows they’d had packed. 

He joined Snafu once it was all ready, not even bothering to change into pajamas. It didn’t feel much like it mattered, considering they’d barely slept for nights on end, and had been in their clothes that whole time. Putting them on felt too hopeful, too ‘settled’-when he wasn’t sure it was really safe to be that just yet. 

“Thank you,” he murmured as they lay down for the night. It was only just six o’clock-early, but he was so ready to sleep. “For everything, Merriell.” 

Snafu frowned. “What do you mean?” 

“Being here. Loving me despite all this extra shit,” Eugene replied, toying with his wedding ring. 

Snafu grabbed his hands and pressed kisses to them. “I could thank you for all the same. That’s what love is. You make choices, every day, like that. Staying no matter what shit’s goin’ down. Being strong when you need to be, but knowin’ you can let yourself fall apart and the other person will catch all your pieces. That’s what I’m doin’ now, ‘cause I know you’d do the same for me. I love you, Eugene.” 

The tears started again, a mix of exhaustion, sadness at the thought of his parents, happiness at Snafu and everything they had in each other. He let them fall silently as Snafu held onto him, and they slowly, finally fell into a good deep sleep. 

[71tenseventeen]

Shelter-Pt. 1

Sidney was five the first time he met Troy.  Well, that he remembers, anyhow.

Mama has just finished cooking dinner— hot dogs and Kraft dinner, Sidney’s favorite—when someone bangs on the front door.  Mama sets Sidney’s plate in front of him and drops a kiss on his head.  “You can start, sweetheart.  I’ll be right back.”

He hears her say “Troy...” and Sidney doesn’t know anyone named Troy but something in Mama’s tone makes him think she does.

“...been more than three years, Troy.  Why now?”

“...clean for six months, Trina… ready to have my family back...swear I’m ready for this...miss you both…”

He can hear them talking but he doesn’t understand what most of it means—it’s like that a lot when he listens to adults talk.  He doesn’t really worry about it; soon the man will be gone and Mama will come back and sit at the table with him.  She got paid today and bought them a carton of ice cream for dessert even though he had ice cream (and a cupcake) two weeks ago for his birthday.  Sidney likes ice cream and Mama bought his favorite flavor—vanilla—so he hopes she’ll be done soon.

But they’re still talking when Sidney finishes his dinner.

They’re still talking after Sidney stands on the step stool and rinses his plate like Mama taught him so he pushes through the swinging door of the kitchen and into the living room, stopping when he sees Mama sitting on the couch, eyes red and wet.

The man—Troy—lights up in a smile and holds open his arms.  “Sidney, my boy!”

Sidney looks from the man to Mama. The man frowns.

“Well come on, Sid. Give your old man a hug.”

Sidney doesn’t understand. Mama clears her throat and stands, taking his hand.  “Sidney, this is your father.”

Oh.

Mama leads him to the man—his dad—and he lets himself be folded into an embrace.  His dad smells funny.  Sidney doesn’t like it and he doesn’t like the man hugging him but he doesn’t think it will be okay to say that.  When Troy releases Sidney, Mama gently nudges him towards the door.  “Go play out front, honey.  Your dad and I need to talk.”

“But what about ice cream?”

Troy gives Sidney a stern look.  “Go on now, do as your mother told you.”  

Sidney goes outside.

Mama told him to play but it’s getting dark and he doesn’t like being outside in the dark without Mama so he sits on the porch steps. He can still hear them.

“What’s wrong with him, Trina?  Why did he act like that?”

“He was only two the last time he saw you, Troy.  Don’t be angry at him, it’s not his fault.  He was too young to remember.”

“I’m his father.”  Troy sounds mad.  Sidney doesn’t like it.  He just wants his dad to leave so he can go inside and have ice cream with Mama.  Instead he moves down to the grass and sits as close as he can to the house without hearing them.  He doesn’t want to hear Troy any more.  

It’s dark by the time Mama calls him in and tells him to go back to the kitchen table.

He sits and watches as Mama fills a plate with food and puts it in the microwave.  Sidney wonders if she doesn’t know that he already ate all his dinner but when she takes it out, she puts it in front of Troy who is talking about jobs and his friend named Scott.

Mama scoops out a bowl of ice cream for Sidney before sitting down with her own plate, long cold.  She doesn’t microwave it first.

Sidney eats his ice cream in silence wondering why it doesn’t taste good to him tonight.

Sidney’s still five when he’s sitting on the porch in March.  It’s cold and he wants to go in and but Mama and Troy are yelling and it scares him when Troy yells. He’d go out further into the yard but he has to go further than he’s allowed to go to not be able to hear them so he pulls his hat lower over his ears and wears earmuffs over them.

He sits on the porch a lot.

Troy gets louder and Sidney puts his hands over his earmuffs and presses as he starts to hum, rocking back and forth to generate warmth.  He can still hear them but it’s a little bit quieter.

He hums louder.

He startles hard at the loud clatter of glass breaking and Mama screams.  Sidney jumps up and stares at the closed door.  It’s never been like this before.  

Sidney is scared.

The door slams open and Sidney is terrified but it’s Mama and he’s so relieved but she’s rushing at him and her face is red and her eye is puffy and blue.  She scoops him up and dashes across the lawn.  Mama hasn’t carried him in a long time.  Sidney holds on tight.

Troy comes out the door, yelling for Mama to get back inside.  Sidney fists his hands into the back of her shirt.  

Troy is coming towards them and Sidney sobs in fear but then their neighbors are outside and the man—he always tells Sidney to call him Stan—is yelling for Troy to calm down.  The woman—a nice woman named Dorothy who always slips Sidney pieces of candy and cookies—ushers Mama and Sidney over and then inside.

The police come and take Troy away; it’s been seven months since he came.

Sidney is happy he’s gone.

Sidney is seven when Troy comes back.  He’s there with Mama when Sidney gets off the school bus after school.  He’s being nicer than Sidney ever remembers him being and Mama is smiling a lot.  Sidney waits for Mama to tell Troy he can’t stay but instead Mama smiles and says Troy is going to stay with them for a few nights until he finds a place of his own.  Sidney’s stomach hurts.

Troy stays six months this time.

It’s better at first.  It’s always better at first.  

Mom tells Sidney he can stay in hockey lessons but Troy doesn’t like the idea.  He wants Sidney to play baseball just like Troy had growing up so Sidney signs up for baseball.  He hates it and he’s not very good at it—a fact that Troy rarely lets him forget.  He makes Sidney practice relentlessly and stands on the sidelines at each game, yelling at him while Sidney stands red faced and in tears on the field.

Sidney hates every second of it; hates Troy.  But he keeps trying because Mama seems happier even if Troy does snap at her when she asks him to ease up on Sidney.

“You fucking baby that kid too much, Trina.  He’s not going to last if he doesn’t toughen up.”

“Troy, he’s only seven.  He’s just a child.”

“Did you see any other kids standing out there about to cry?  It’s fucking embarrassing.  If he keeps that shit up, kids are going to tear him to pieces.  You want that to happen?”

“No of course not!  But I don’t think…”

“That’s right, you don’t think.  That’s why he is the way he is but not anymore.  I’m going to make a man out of that boy.”

Sidney stops listening after that.

The next evening, Troy is cranky and smells funny.  Trina keeps shooting frustrated looks at him but doesn’t say anything, even when Troy critiques Sidney’s game play all the way to the ballpark.  

Troy is yelling a lot more tonight and it makes Sidney nervous.

And then Sidney fumbles a grounder and Troy pushes past coach and onto the field, heading straight for him.  And Sidney—Sidney is scared because Troy looks like he wants to kill him and Sidney starts to cry, even as the refs and Mama and Coach and even a few other parents surround Troy and pull him away.  

Troy gets kicked out of the game.

Except he won’t leave and someone calls the police and Trina cries.  Sidney leaves the field and stands holding her hand until the police come and take Troy away.

The next day Mama tells Sidney that Troy doesn’t live with them anymore and he doesn’t have to play baseball anymore.  

The next week he’s back in his old hockey classes and he’s happy again.

[icosahedonist]

Untitled Angst-Pt. 1

I know you love angst.  My current WIP:  

Sidney was five the first time he met Troy.  Well, that he remembers, anyhow. 

Mama has just finished cooking dinner— hot dogs and Kraft dinner, Sidney’s favorite—when someone bangs on the front door.  Mama sets Sidney’s plate in front of him and drops a kiss on his head.  “You can start, sweetheart.  I’ll be right back.” 

He hears her say “Troy…” and Sidney doesn’t know anyone named Troy but something in Mama’s tone makes him think she does. 

“…been more than three years, Troy.  Why now?” 

“…clean for six months, Trina… ready to have my family back…swear I’m ready for this…miss you both…” 

He can hear them talking but he doesn’t understand what most of it means—it’s like that a lot when he listens to adults talk.  He doesn’t really worry about it; soon the man will be gone and Mama will come back and sit at the table with him.  She got paid today and bought them a carton of ice cream for dessert even though he had ice cream (and a cupcake) two weeks ago for his birthday.  Sidney likes ice cream and Mama bought his favorite flavor—vanilla—so he hopes she’ll be done soon. 

But they’re still talking when Sidney finishes his dinner. 

They’re still talking after Sidney stands on the step stool and rinses his plate like Mama taught him so he pushes through the swinging door of the kitchen and into the living room, stopping when he sees Mama sitting on the couch, eyes red and wet. 

The man—Troy—lights up in a smile and holds open his arms.  “Sidney, my boy!” 

Sidney looks from the man to Mama. The man frowns. 

“Well come on, Sid. Give your old man a hug.” 

Sidney doesn’t understand. Mama clears her throat and stands, taking his hand.  “Sidney, this is your father.” 

Oh. 

Mama leads him to the man—his dad—and he lets himself be folded into an embrace.  His dad smells funny.  Sidney doesn’t like it and he doesn’t like the man hugging him but he doesn’t think it will be okay to say that.  When Troy releases Sidney, Mama gently nudges him towards the door.  “Go play out front, honey.  Your dad and I need to talk.” 

“But what about ice cream?” 

Troy gives Sidney a stern look.  “Go on now, do as your mother told you.”  

Sidney goes outside. 

Mama told him to play but it’s getting dark and he doesn’t like being outside in the dark without Mama so he sits on the porch steps. He can still hear them. 

“What’s wrong with him, Trina?  Why did he act like that?” 

“He was only two the last time he saw you, Troy.  Don’t be angry at him, it’s not his fault.  He was too young to remember.” 

“I’m his father.”  Troy sounds mad.  Sidney doesn’t like it.  He just wants his dad to leave so he can go inside and have ice cream with Mama.  Instead he moves down to the grass and sits as close as he can to the house without hearing them.  He doesn’t want to hear Troy any more.  

It’s dark by the time Mama calls him in and tells him to go back to the kitchen table. 

He sits and watches as Mama fills a plate with food and puts it in the microwave.  Sidney wonders if she doesn’t know that he already ate all his dinner but when she takes it out, she puts it in front of Troy who is talking about jobs and his friend named Scott. 

Mama scoops out a bowl of ice cream for Sidney before sitting down with her own plate, long cold.

She doesn’t microwave it first. 

Sidney eats his ice cream in silence wondering why it doesn’t taste good to him tonight.

Sidney’s still five when he’s sitting on the porch in March.  It’s cold and he wants to go in and but Mama and Troy are yelling and it scares him when Troy yells. He’d go out further into the yard but he has to go further than he’s allowed to go to not be able to hear them so he pulls his hat lower over his ears and wears earmuffs over them. 

He sits on the porch a lot. 

Troy gets louder and Sidney puts his hands over his earmuffs and presses as he starts to hum, rocking back and forth to generate warmth.  He can still hear them but it’s a little bit quieter. 

He hums louder. 

He startles hard at the loud clatter of glass breaking and Mama screams.  Sidney jumps up and stares at the closed door.  It’s never been like this before.  

Sidney is scared. 

The door slams open and Sidney is terrified but it’s Mama and he’s so relieved but she’s rushing at him and her face is red and her eye is puffy and blue.  She scoops him up and dashes across the lawn.  Mama hasn’t carried him in a long time.  Sidney holds on tight. 

Troy comes out the door, yelling for Mama to get back inside.  Sidney fists his hands into the back of her shirt.  

Troy is coming towards them and Sidney sobs in fear but then their neighbors are outside and the man—he always tells Sidney to call him Stan—is yelling for Troy to calm down.  The woman—a nice woman named Dorothy who always slips Sidney pieces of candy and cookies—ushers Mama and Sidney over and then inside. 

The police come and take Troy away; it’s been seven months since he came. 

Sidney is happy he’s gone.

Sidney is seven when Troy comes back.  He’s there with Mama when Sidney gets off the school bus after school.  He’s being nicer than Sidney ever remembers him being and Mama is smiling a lot.  Sidney waits for Mama to tell Troy he can’t stay but instead Mama smiles and says Troy is going to stay with them for a few nights until he finds a place of his own.  Sidney’s stomach hurts. 

Troy stays six months this time. 

It’s better at first.  It’s always better at first.  

Mom tells Sidney he can stay in hockey lessons but Troy doesn’t like the idea.  He wants Sidney to play baseball just like Troy had growing up so Sidney signs up for baseball.  He hates it and he’s not very good at it—a fact that Troy rarely lets him forget.  He makes Sidney practice relentlessly and stands on the sidelines at each game, yelling at him while Sidney stands red faced and in tears on the field. 

Sidney hates every second of it; hates Troy.  But he keeps trying because Mama seems happier even if Troy does snap at her when she asks him to ease up on Sidney. 

“You fucking baby that kid too much, Trina.  He’s not going to last if he doesn’t toughen up.”

“Troy, he’s only seven.  He’s just a child.” 

“Did you see any other kids standing out there about to cry?  It’s fucking embarrassing.  If he keeps that shit up, kids are going to tear him to pieces.  You want that to happen?” 

“No of course not!  But I don’t think…”

“That’s right, you don’t think.  That’s why he is the way he is but not anymore.  I’m going to make a man out of that boy.” 

Sidney stops listening after that. 

The next evening, Troy is cranky and smells funny.  Trina keeps shooting frustrated looks at him but doesn’t say anything, even when Troy critiques Sidney’s game play all the way to the ballpark.  

Troy is yelling a lot more tonight and it makes Sidney nervous. 

And then Sidney fumbles a grounder and Troy pushes past coach and onto the field, heading straight for him.  And Sidney—Sidney is scared because Troy looks like he wants to kill him and Sidney starts to cry, even as the refs and Mama and Coach and even a few other parents surround Troy and pull him away.  

Troy gets kicked out of the game. 

Except he won’t leave and someone calls the police and Trina cries.  Sidney leaves the field and stands holding her hand until the police come and take Troy away. 

The next day Mama tells Sidney that Troy doesn’t live with them anymore and he doesn’t have to play baseball anymore.  

The next week he’s back in his old hockey classes and he’s happy again.

Cosie says: YEAH BUDDY I SURE DO LOVE ANGST thank you for submitting this, anon! I very much look forward to seeing more of your work!